Saturday, September 27, 2008

where we're at (the post in which i get all vulnerable on your asses)

So, we've got a lot of crap going on over here. Crap that I've been a little hesitant to talk about on the blog because it's just been too stressful and heavy for me lately. I thought about just not mentioning it at all, but then, I started this blog to share what's going on in my everyday life, and my life is not all rainbows and sunshine and zombies. I want to be honest about what's going on, so here goes.

Autumn isn't going to kindergarten this year. I'm not sure I want to get into all the awful details of why, but basically we had to pull her out of her school. There is nothing wrong with the school. It's a lovely place and I would have loved to continue sending her there, but sadly the situation was beyond our control. It was a heartbreaking decision to make. Autumn took it well and doesn't seem to be too upset about it, but I was devastated. Just thinking about it now makes me want to cry.
We then wanted to put her in a public school, but found out that we couldn't because of her age. Her birthday is a few weeks after the cutoff date for public school kindergarten, September 1st (at her old school they technically had the same cutoff date, but made exceptions for kids who were ready to move on, which was the case with Autumn). In order to get her into kindergarten "early" she would have had to take a test before the start of the school year, which wouldn't have been a problem, except that we only figured this all out after it was too late.

So what now? Well, I don't really know. I think that's the most difficult part of this whole thing for me; admitting that I don't have all the answers. I don't know where to go from here, and it's making me question my abilities as a mother. Aren't parents supposed to know these things? Am I a bad mom for feeling stuck and not being able to take control of the situation? Does everyone go through this? Is it because I'm so young? Maybe all those people who doubted me when I was 15 and pregnant were right. Maybe I can't be a good mother at such a young age.

I don't know what a good parent is supposed to do now. At this point it looks like we are going to continue to work with her here at home, and next school year she can go to kindergarten or take the early admission test for first grade, depending on what we feel she's ready for. Are we making the right decision? Only time will tell.

Deep down I know that Autumn is very bright and she will be just fine no matter what. I just hope that I will be too.


Rosebud Collection said...

Don't beat yourself up..I can only tell you..I never put my girls in nursery school, day care and kept them home as long as I could..The ones that wanted college did great..on the Dean's list..My feeling..they will be in school long enough, enjoy them..They are all married and the ones with children..are the greatest mothers going..not cause they are mine..they know what is important..Don't you dare knock yourself..your fine..

kim* said...

having an extra year at home is ok... also how about homeschool here for kinder?

Kari said...

Oh, I'm so sad for you having to deal with this. Just try to hang in there and listen to your own instincts on what's right for her. Good luck!

Natalie said...

Hello, tripped across your blog and this post. I understand parts of what you're going through. I had mine at 16. My daughter's birthday is 2 weeks after the cut off. Having gone to private school, I chose public for my daughter (personal choice, personal reasons, etc.). I'm thankful she's got the extra year to give her a little extra time in the long run. Graduating a little older (and hopefully a little wiser) isn't a bad thing in my book. She just turned 16 and no regrets so far :).

jenscloset said...

I'm sure you are not a bad parent, the fact that you're talking about your concerns, is telling me you're not...parenting is tough!! I bet you and your daughter will be fine!

Faye said...

You, my dear Xan, are a great mom. All you have to do is look at Autumn to know that. This year of her not being in a structured environment won't hurt her, especially if you keep her on a schedule with learning at home. I know things will work out, and when you are all settled things will fall into place. If you need to rant and rave feel free to call.

strawberrieshk said...

XAN I just found a loophole if your district is anything like mine:

Soon their will be a School Count Day. That's the day it's mandatory to go to school. *So the district can count all the kids in the district so they can get tax dollars for each kid*

Welll, if someone isn't enrolled yet, they WANT you to call in, enroll ASAP no matter what, so they can get tax dollars.

You should call your local public school and talk to them about this. They should definitely let you in.

If not, I'll come up there and knock em around myself!! *Kidding! seriously :P j/k*
Home schooling her is a great idea and I bet she'll love spending the extra time with mommy!